


You Don't Have to Say I Love You to Say I Love You(Forget All the Shooting Stars and All the Silver Moons)

by twentytwentytwo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan Howell - Freeform, Fainting, Fluff, Loopy!Dan, Love Confessions, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, Phil Takes Care Of Dan, Sickfic, sick!Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-09 16:28:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5547314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twentytwentytwo/pseuds/twentytwentytwo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell knew he would get sick if he went out into the harsh winter weather of London with Phil, but he went anyways. Determined not to let his illness get the better of him he insists on still doing their monthly radio show. When that turns sour, Phil takes care of Dan. Whilst loopy from his medication Dan becomes extremely honest about his feeling for Phil, the thing is, will he remember what he said in the morning?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Stars in the Sky Have Nothing on Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dan and Phil explore their apartment building's roof(and each other's eyes). You know, just two dudes being guys.

“Why did we decide to come up here again?” Dan asked.

            Phil and he were lying on the roof of their apartment building, the coldness of the concrete seeping through their clothes onto their backs. Phil had been musing about a rooftop adventure since the start of the week and Dan had finally gave in and agreed to go with him.

            Dan didn’t know why he had been holding out so long. Maybe he just didn’t want to go on the roof. ~~Maybe he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn’t completely and totally whipped to whatever Phil wanted~~. Maybe he knew that he was playing a dangerous game going on adventures with a boy when he knew he couldn’t go on one with him forever. _Maybe_ , Dan thought, _I should stop acting like we’re on our way to being a couple, let alone married._

            Neither of them had worn jackets, courtesy of Dan. He had unintentionally forbade jackets from being worn on the roof. “Your space coat will take up, like, eighty percent of the room up there.” He had reasoned when they were hanging out in the lounge. Dan had been half-joking when he said that, but Phil had taken it to heart.

            Dan’s back was cold but he wasn’t complaining as the left side of his body was pressed into Phil’s side. Dan figured, for Phil at least, it was only because of the weather. They had never been frugal with touching each other in casual ways. Legs tangling when they were having a _Star Wars_ movie marathon, arm caressing (caressing? The word sounded too… suggestive but that’s the only word that seemed to fit for what the gesture was.) when they were on the radio show (and sometimes _off_ the radio show for that matter). Even the occasional arm punch when Dan’s ‘your mom’ jokes got too crude for Phil.

           They were _best friends,_ that’s all. At least that’s what Dan told himself when Phil did something that could suggest otherwise.

Or when he was trying to convince _himself_ not to do something that could suggest otherwise.

            Ever since Dan had met Phil, he had fallen disgustingly in love with him. It was impossible not to, really. Somehow the combination of Phil’s kind, creative, loving, _adorable_ personality had reeled Dan in and wouldn’t let him go. And those weren’t the only things. Phil was smart and funny and had an unhealthy obsession with lions but Dan wasn’t one to talk as he had a similar infatuation with llamas.  Dan could rave about Phil for forever and a day. He didn’t name himself Phil trash number one for nothing. But…

            Phil was Phil. And Dan was Dan. And they would never be together. Phil considered Dan his best friend, and Dan considered Phil the same. But they would never date because Phil didn’t like him in that way. Phil was fond of him, sure, but Phil was fond of anyone who was relatively polite to him. Phil would probably take a bullet for someone who _wasn’t_ even relatively polite to him. Like he said, Phil was bordering on unreasonable when it came to being kind.

            Dan sighed, and tried to direct his thoughts elsewhere. Directing his thoughts away from Phil had become increasingly difficult as the days went on. Distractions slowly became a necessity for him. Piano being his go-to activity. He could slam at the keys for hours until he learnt a song perfectly so that his brain could be occupied with something other than a certain black-haired boy.

            However, piano had a tendency to backfire on him. Phil constantly badgered Dan to play the songs for him. “You’ve been working really hard on them! I want to hear.” Phil would say, and he would put on his sickeningly sweet ‘please?’ face, and of course Dan would say yes. He would always say yes to Phil.

That’s how he ended up throwing himself into the abyss by saying yes to being the roommate of the person who doesn’t, and won’t ever, requite his love.

That’s how he ended up on the roof.

            They’d been staring up at the minimum amount of stars that they could see. There were always clouds covering the London sky. With the clouds combined with the light pollution from the big city, it was rare to see even a wisp of a star. Tonight they probably could see twelve (and even that was pushing it) but it was a good enough excuse for Dan to suggest tonight as the night to go up to the roof.

With Phil.

And no jackets.

And zero personal space.

            Phil hummed, thinking over Dan’s question. He turned his head towards Dan and Dan tensed up. Phil surely felt it since they were so close together but he didn’t comment. Phil was lovely, but he was oblivious to certain things i.e. Dan’s gigantic crush on him that showed through how he talked and looked at Phil, but most of all through his body language.

            “Because it’s an adventure! We can’t just live here and never find out the mysteries of the roof.” He nudged Dan with his arm. “What’s the secret of that pebble? And that door? And that-“ “What’s the secret to getting you to shush?” Dan interrupted. Phil grinned. He never took Dan’s pokes at him seriously.

            “We’re going to get ill from being out here for so long. We get sick from opening the freezer for  more than a minute.” Dan joked. Phil mumbled a hesitant agreement to that statement. Neither of them made any motion to get up.

            Phil hadn’t shifted his head from its position. Dan kept his eyes locked on the sky. If he turned his head right now, he could kiss Phil. The thought made Dan’s eyes widen without his permission. “Did you see something? A shooting star?” Phil asked, his voice low. _Yeah I saw something_ Dan thought. _Your frustratingly pretty face an inch away from mine._

            There was only a tiny light by the door of the roof and the moon was blotched out by the clouds so anything with color was muted. It didn’t make a difference to Dan’s black attire but it was strange to see Phil’s clothes in somber tones even if it was only the lighting. Dan wondered if his eyes looked the same.

 _This is a terrible idea_ Dan's reasonable conscious argued. _So was coming up here in the first place so what have I got to lose?_ Dan told his reasonable conscious.

He turned his head towards Phil.

            Their noses nearly touched. Phil’s eyes were still his eyes. Their color was bright, maybe even brighter than normal. There was something about moonlight that made things softer and more beautiful, if that was possible, in Phil's case. Dan always said that Phil's eyes were indescribable, but in that moment they looked like they held entire galaxies. Bright blues, greens, and yellows, all of them pouring together like glitter dumped in paint. His pupils were huge(and a deeper black than any black hole), but that wasn’t weird for Phil especially because of the dim lighting. Even when the lighting was bright his pupils tended to stay large.

            People liked to make comments about how one’s pupils got bigger when they were around someone they loved but Dan dismissed it as some rumor that everyone blindly read and believed from some unreliable tumblr source. Even if Phil loved him, it was in a platonic way.

            Dan realized that he had been staring into Phil’s eyes and Phil had been staring back. Phil had a strangely large capacity of time in which he didn’t need to blink. It was unnerving for some. Dan found it endearing. It probably was just his feelings getting in the way. Dan found it endearing when Phil couldn’t flip a pancake for fuck’s sake.

            Dan licked his lips subconsciously. “I-uh. No. I was just thinking…” A snowflake landed in Phil’s hair. It was stark against the blackness of his hair. Dan had to stop himself from staring again. That was another thing. Phil was ridiculously attractive without even trying. Phil was a huge nerd- but he was the kind of nerd that could take your breath away simply by wearing glasses and plaid. Phil’s general nerdiness in particular combined with his dark hair, and light eyes made Dan’s thoughts go somewhere they shouldn’t.

            “M-maybe we should go in?” Dan finally spat out. He hoped for a moment that Phil would dismiss the stutter as a result of the cold, but he quit his worrying. Phil was used to Dan’s mumbling and stuttering. He always understood him when he became tongue tied which was impressive. _Just because we’ve known each other for so long, not because of some wild twist of fate written in the stars_ Dan chided his inner monologue.

             A snowflake landed on one of Phil’s eyelashes. Dan resisted the urge to brush it off. Once it started to snow it usually kept it’s thunder for the rest of the day. Dan hadn’t been lying when he said that they both got sick easily. He could practically feel his throat becoming scratchy. He hated being sick, but he supposed that he could deal with it as long as it meant he got to spend times like these with Phil.

He started to shiver.

Okay, so maybe he wouldn’t deal with _just anything_ for Phil.

            Dan stood up and put his hands in his pocket. Phil did the same. They both looked out at the city for a moment, listening. For once, Dan was grateful for the excessive amount of sirens in London. His heart was beating so fast that he swore Phil would hear if he stood any closer than he already was.

            A tiny apartment roof really wasn’t the place for two boys over six feet tall. Phil tried to catch a snowflake on his tongue, and failed. Dan chuckled and pulled Phil’s arm towards the door. “You’re going to get ill, Phil.” Dan chided. “Nice rhyme.” Phil said. “But neither of us will get ill.” Dan raised his eyebrows. Phil did jazz hands and circled them around Dan’s head. Dan had that smile on his face that happened right before he was about to laugh at something ridiculous.

            “W-what was that?” Dan asked through his laughter. “Magic. The cold can’t enter you now.” Phil said simply. Dan shook his head. Sometimes he wondered if Phil gave off such an innocent disposition just so he could get away with saying so many innuendos. Dan pulled a reluctant Phil through the door into the heated hallway.

“You are such a strange person.” Dan said, failing to keep the fondness out of his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN/this is my first phanfic ever! I have a thing for sick!/loopy on meds!Dan, but I didn’t want to jump right in so I thought I would create a premise(and a pretty darn cute one in my opinion). It kind of annoys me when people think that Dan wouldn’t be as successful/alive without Phil so sorry if Dan being all ‘bleeehhh Phil will never love me like that’ doesn’t beat your peach (doesn’t really beat mine but all in the name of an eventual happy ending). I know with how they act around each other nowadays, it hard to believe that they wouldn’t be dating already, but I also have a thing for them confessing their love for each other so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯. Thanks for reading and leave a comment if you enjoyed. Feel free to leaves asks as well since I am absolute phan trash so I’ll probably write it if I think it’s cute.


	2. If You Fight Like a Married Couple, Talk Like Best Friends, Flirt Like Lovers, Protect Each Other Like Siblings, You're Meant to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dan is a stubborn little shit(and an ill one at that) and he and Phil put on their radio show. The thing is, can Dan make it that long before his illness gets the better of him?

“Dan? More tea?” Phil called from the kitchen.

            Dan mumbled an incoherent yes into the couch cushion. Phil presumably got the message as Dan heard a clank as Phil put the kettle onto the stove. It was one week after they'd been on the roof. Dan had spent one half of the day hacking out his lungs and the rest chugging down mug after mug of tea. The tea chugging had two purposes; firstly, he heard it was good drink lots of liquids when you were sick, and secondly he’d been trying to take a pill for his raging headache. ‘Trying’ being the key word. If he had to choose between taking a pill and saving the world from exploding, well, at least it would be a quick death.

            Phil handed Dan a mug (the one with the shiba inu on it) and sat down next to him. Dan used both hands to take it and even then he was nervous that he might drop it. His whole body felt like it had gone through the garbage disposal at least fifteen times after his coughing fest finally died down.

            Phil frowned at Dan’s expression of intense concentration as he took the mug. Phil didn't let go of the mug until it was nearly at Dan’s lips. “Thanks.” Dan said, avoiding Phil’s gaze. Phil gestured towards the packet of ibuprofen on the coffee table and cocked his head to the side, a silent inquisition. Dan shook his head. “I think I hate pills more than I hate people touching my neck.” Dan said.

            Phil gave him a sympathetic half-smile. “In that case.” Phil reached his hand towards Dan’s neck. Dan gave him an incredulous, betrayed look. “Only joking.” Phil said, holding his hand up in surrender.

            Dan relaxed. “You better be.” He mumbled into his tea. Dan was sat with his duvet wrapped around him like a cloak, and just about every pillow they had in the apartment surrounding him like a fort. Beneath all of that he was, surprisingly, not wearing pajamas but what had become his favorite outfit. All black attire with the perfect amount of unconventional zippers.

            Dan checked the time on his phone and frowned when he saw it was nearly time to go. It was the first Monday of the month, the day that he and Phil put on their radio show. He began shifting so that he could escape from his cave of warmth. "What are you do-Dan? Have you been wearing that all day?" He gestured to Dan's clothes. "I thought we agreed that you weren't doing the show?" Dan shrugged. 

            "You don't really want to do the show by yourself, do you? I'll be fi-" Dan's face paled as he stood up. A wave of dizziness passed over him and he feared that he may fall into the coffee table. His legs felt like a new born deer’s, if weaker. Phil stood up quickly and offered his hands to Dan. For a split second, Dan considered taking them, but then he remembered that he was supposed to be controlling the questionable actions of his around Phil. 

 He steadied himself using the wall.

            Phil dropped his hands. “Dan.” Phil said. “You’re being ridiculous. Please stay home; I’ll manage the show just fine. You can even skype me the whole time, if you want.”

            Dan shook his head. "The dizziness isn't even from being sick. Slow blood and extreme tallness, remember?" "Even if that's true-which I doubt by the way- you have a cough, a headache, and from what your skin looks like, a fever." Dan huffed in indignation. “Stay home and lose my _honor_? I would rather-“ “I don’t care about your honor Dan. I care about _you.”_  Phil interrupted. Dan blushed but he was sure that Phil couldn’t tell. Phil hadn't been lying when he said his skin was looking flushed. Dan shook his head again.

“Who will you _bant_ with Phil?”

“Oh my God, Dan.”

“Think about the bants Phil!”

“Dan. Please.”

“Oh God. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of bants that will never be if. I. Stay. Home.”

            Phil made an exasperated sound and pushed his fringe back from his forehead. He turned around and put his hands on his head. “Fine.” He said after a moment of silence. “But you at least have to take one pill.” Phil faced Dan again and stared him down.

            Dan stared back. Phil’s gaze never wavered but Dan’s eyes flickered to Phil’s lips and back to his eyes. So much for controlling his questionable actions. He figured Phil would dismiss it as a result of the dizziness. “Okay.” Dan said slowly. “I’ll take the pill.” Phil nodded, seemingly appeased.

“I’ll go grab you some biscuits to help, yeah?”

•••

Beneath the camera’s view Phil was wringing his hands.

            They’d only been on air for about three minutes and Dan had given Phil too many reasons to want to shove him out the door, into a cab, and back into the safety of their apartment. Phil could’ve tried harder to keep Dan from going, but he knew Dan and once he was set on doing something nothing could change his mind. Sometimes he found his stubbornness cute. Sometimes he wanted to punch some sense into him.

            Dan’s horrible coughing had ceased for now, but he still had a headache despite taking an ibuprofen (Phil saw him massaging his temples during songs), his body was weak(he couldn't lift his tea back at home and he had trouble pressing any of the sound effect buttons),  and Phil could see his red face from a mile away. On top of all that, Phil knew that he was dizzy. He’d played it off as nothing at their apartment, but Phil could tell when Dan was lying. 

            Phil didn’t have any problems when it came to personal space, at least, personal space with _Dan_. That in mind, with his hand gripped around Phil's wrist, Dan was standing ridiculously close, and Phil knew that it was because he could barely hold himself up. 

            Three songs passed, all of them filled with worried glances from Phil and insistent ‘I’m fine!’s from Dan. During the fifth song, Phil was becoming legitimately worried. Dan had forgotten to turn their mics off twice, and pressed the wrong sound effects well above three times, and dropped his water bottle more than should be possible in a thirty minute time span. 

            Phil put on an Edward Cullen mask so that viewers wouldn't read his lips; this was just between he and Dan. He handed the one of the Queen to Dan. Dan gave him a questioning look, glanced at the camera, but put the mask on anyway.

            “What’s wrong?” Dan asked. “You’re wrong.” Phil said. Dan gave him an offended look. “Sorry, that’s not what I mean.” Phil amended. “You’re really, really ill. Please go home. I’m serious.”

            Dan rolled his eyes. “Phil, we’re nearly done with the show. I think I can make it two minutes.” Phil didn’t say anything. Dan pulled the mask down so that Phil could see his eyes better. “ _I’ll be fine.”_ Dan said. “If you’re so peachy-“ Phil said quietly. “Why don’t you hold you balance for more than a minute? _Without_ my help.”

            Dan frowned. He looked down at his hand that had been cutting the circulation off from Phil's wrist for the entire show. He pushed his tongue in his cheek and let go of Phil’s wrist, stepping back a few feet just to make it official. “Okay, fine. If this will make you happy.” Dan said, pulling off his mask and conveniently busied himself by doodling on the white board.

            It definitely did not make Phil happy. He would rather carry Dan bridal style for the rest of the show if he wasn’t going to go home. He should’ve known better than to push Dan. His stubbornness level was now at one hundred percent. Phil sighed and pulled of the Edward Cullen mask.

 _The show_ is _nearly over_ , he admittedly reasoned to himself. _Maybe you’re being just a tad bit over protective?_ His conscious asked. Phil couldn’t help it. Dan was his best friend, and he would tear himself apart if something bad happened to him that Phil could've prevented.

The fifth song ended shortly after their little spat. Dan tilted his mic towards himself. “Hope you all enjoyed that one. The show is nearly over-“ He gave a pointed look in Phil's direction. “But we have time for-“ Dan coughed “Sorry about that. We have time for one… more… _song_ ” He finally spat out with some difficulty. Dan smacked the button to play the next song and turned off their mics, nearly missing both times.

            “Dan?” Phil said. Dan swayed on his feet.

            “Dan.” Phil said, more urgently this time.

            Dan's knees began to buckle. He reached out to hold onto Phil but he only grasped air. He’d been purposefully standing far away enough that he couldn’t reach Phil.

The sound of a body hitting the ground isn't a sound you can soon forget. 

The sound of Dan's body hitting the ground is a sound that would be burned into Phil's brain for all of eternity 

            Phil was at his side in a heartbeat. “ _Fuck._ ” Dan said. “Phil, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I should’ve listened to y-“ “Shh. It’s fine, it’s okay. Everything will be okay.”

Everything was not okay.

            Phil lifted up Dan’s head and pulled it into his lap. He could feel the concernedly large bump on the back of it. Dan’s eyes were watering and Phil brushed away the tears that leaked out. He was staring up at him with intensity that almost made Phil feel like he was staring through him. Phil pushed back Dan's hair and felt his forehead. It was burning up.

“You have the nicest eyes, Phil." Dan said just as his fluttered shut

            “Dan? Dan, please stay with me.” Phil pleaded. Phil’s thoughts went into over drive: _Why didn’t he make Dan stay home? Why did he have to be so lenient when Dan was clearly ill? Why? Why? Why..._

Why was he just sitting there doing nothing?

“ _Somebody call an ambulance.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN/And the award for the most dramatic person goes to *drumroll* me(so does the award for too long chapter titles and sucky summaries). Feel free to re-read the last chapter as I’ve edited it a bit. Nothing major, but my perfectionist brain won’t let me rest until I’ve read it 1oo+ times with the included nit picking at silly details. Basically just fixed some grammar/format issues and then described Phil’s pretty eye balls more so that the chapter title made more sense. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. The next one I’m looking forward to writing. Something about not in the right state of mind confessions of love really gets me going. Dunno what that says about me. Please leave a comment if you enjoyed! Also any requests you have for other fics because if I think it’s cute I may write it since I’m absolute trash. Thanks for reading!


	3. Holding Hands is a Promise That Just For a Moment, You Don't Have to Face the World Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan wakes up to something he'd never thought he'd see and Phil makes a promise to himself that he absolutely has to keep.

Dan woke up to the sound of keyboard smashing and the feeling of someone holding his hand.

            He peeled his eyes open. “Jesus fuck, Phil you’re making me lose brain cells.” Dan croaked. Phil made a surprised sound, yanked his hand out of Dan’s, and thankfully stopped playing the toy piano app on his phone.

            “You seem to do that just fine on you own.” Phil said in a quiet voice. Dan looked around the room. It was a stereotypical hospital room; everything in it was blue, gray, or white and _sterile_. It (unfortunately) reminded him of his old room at university. The only color in the room was Phil’s bright clothing.

And Phil’s very red cheeks. Phil could never hide when he was blushing because of his vampire-like, pale skin.

            Dan’s brain remembered feeling Phil’s hand in his own but that couldn’t be right, could it? He looked down at his hand, then back at Phil. His eyes looked red and puffy but still beautiful as ever. Maybe Phil had actually held his hand? ~~Maybe he was dreaming?~~ Maybe whatever was dripping from the IV was causing him to hallucinate.

            Phil scratched his head. “Sorry about the piano. I thought it might help you w-wake up.” Phil’s voice cracked on the last two words. “I tried playing one of the songs you would do on the piano back at home but I can’t really play piano as good as you….” Phil trailed off.  Phil’s cheeks were no longer the only red ones. It was such a sweet thing to do. It was such a _Phil_ thing to do.

“They also said that-uh-touching would help too.” They both avoided making eye contact. So Dan _hadn’t_ imagined it. That was… too much for Dan to process right then.

            Dan noticed that Phil was sitting in a cot, pulled up close enough to his own that he’d assumed it was a chair. “You slept here?” Dan said, making eye contact with Phil again. Everything felt slow and dream-like and Dan felt like seeing Phil’s eyes would make things feel more real. Phil nodded. “How long has it bee-“ “Hello gentlemen.” A doctor walked into his room, cutting off Dan’s question and breaking his the surreal feeling that the room had been filling up with.

            She shook Dan’s hand. “My name is Doctor Thede. I’ve already been acquainted with your… friend.” She finished carefully. “I’m just going to ask you a few questions and then we’re going to run a couple of tests. If all goes well with that then you’ll be free to go.” She spewed. Phil gave Dan a tight smile. Dan returned it. Doctor’s made him nervous, so he was glad Phil was there. He thought about reaching for Phil’s hand but stopped himself. Earlier when Phil had held his hand, Phil was just being Phil, trying to do anything he can to help. There was nothing romantic about it.

            “First question, can you tell me your name?” “Daniel James Howell.” Dan said. “Great.” The doctor said. “Can you tell me where you live?” She asked. Dan nodded. “With Phil.” Dan said simply. The doctor laughed. “Not what I had in mind, but it’ll do.” She said. Phil’s cheeks, against the laws of nature, somehow became redder.

“You’re friend tells me that you had been at work while you were ill, became dizzy and fell, then passed out. Is this correct?” The doctor asked. Dan thought about it. He didn’t remember doing the radio show. He said as much to the doctor. “What day is it?” Dan asked at the same time Phil urgently asked “Is that normal?”

            The doctor put her hands up, a gesture to say _one at a time, please_. She addressed Phil first. “For Mr. Howell’s condition, that is completely normal.” She turned towards Dan. “We’ll get to that later, darling.” She said. The way she spoke reminded Dan of the voice people in movies used when they were about to be attacked by a rabid dog and were trying in vain to calm them.

He frowned, but didn’t push it. It was probably just a precaution so that he wouldn’t start freaking out. The doctor then asked him to follow her finger, squeeze her hand as hard as he could, and several other similar tests that made Dan have unwanted flashbacks to getting a physical for school sports.

            “What exactly is ‘my condition’?” Dan asked. “You have a level three concussion. You also have a severe case of the flu, which is most likely what caused the concussion to happen. Dizziness is a common symptom in your case of the flu.” She answered. “And the level three?” Dan asked. “I’ll explain more about the concussion later, but it would be best to get some more complicated tests done as quickly as possible.” Dan nodded.

The doctor grabbed two nurses from the hallway and they began to push Dan’s bed out of the room. “I can walk.” Dan commented; it was kind of embarrassing to feel so helpless. He exchanged a look with Phil. “Just a precaution, Mr. Howell. We don’t want you hitting your head again.” Dan agreed with that. He saluted goodbye to Phil as he was wheeled away. Phil did the same along with a small smile.

~~~

Phil’s smile fell once Dan was out of view. Even when Dan had been shorter than him, he was still extremely tall (or as Dan so eloquently put it: ‘tall as _fuck_ ’), but when he was unconscious and curled up on his hospital bed he looked small and fragile like he would break if someone touched him.            

Phil nearly cried when Dan first spoke, even though it was something as crude as ‘Jesus fuck, Phil.’ It was such a Dan thing to say. Phil had been starting to think that maybe he would never hear Dan speak again.

One week.

One week was how long Dan was unconscious.                         

One week without seeing Dan’s eyes was enough to force Phil to promise himself to tell Dan that he loved him. ~~If he woke up~~. _Once_ he woke up.

            Before, Phil was content with loving Dan but never telling him. He got to see and hang out with Dan every day of his life. The only thing he was missing was getting to call Dan his boyfriend. And holding hands. And kissing him. ~~Oh God, how badly he wanted to kiss him.~~

            Okay, so maybe Phil wasn’t one hundred percent content with not telling Dan he loved it, but he didn’t want to ruin the friendship that they had. What if Dan was freaked out by his confessions? What if he wanted to stop being Phil’s friend? What if wanted to move out? There were too many bad possibilities that Phil had lived like this since 2009, nearly convinced that it was for the best.

‘Nearly’ being the key word.

            It was insane to think that he could change his opinion, one that he’d had for so many years, in just a week, but Dan getting hurt somehow changed everything and absolutely nothing. Phil promised himself that he would confess his love to Dan once he woke up. But Dan had just woken up and Phil had done nothing of the sort. Dan was still ill. He didn’t even remember doing the radio show, who knows what else he didn’t remember? Maybe Phil was letting his fear get the better of him, but it just didn’t seem like the right time for a confession of love.

            Phil decided to re-work his promise. _Once Dan is back to full health,_ Phil thought, _that’s when I’ll tell him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN/I’m actually a lot more satisfied with this chapter than the last one (which you should really REALLY re-read as I've edited it and made it a lot less cringe worthy). I think I’ll actually write the next one quite soon because really the main reason for writing this in the first place was because I wanted to write loopy!Dan. Anyways, thanks so much for reading! Please leave a comment if you enjoyed, and also any requests for other phanfics because if I think the idea’s cute I might just write it. Thanks again:D


	4. For You, I'd Do Anything (Even Let My House Plants Die)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After making it into the apartment with a little trouble, Dan lets out his feelings for Phil after his meds take out the filter between his brain and his mouth.

Dan looked up at the ridiculously long stair case that led into him and Phil’s apartment and bit his lip.

            After he’d gotten an MRI scan (to see if he had any internal bleeding or permanent brain damage; really fun stuff!) he’d been released from the hospital relatively quickly with orders to take it easy and a bottle of pain medication to take a maximum of three at a time, as needed. Dan wasn’t sure what ‘as needed’ meant but he considered his head pounding at anyone speaking above a whisper and light sources brighter than night light counted.

            He wanted to take his meds to ease the pain as soon as possible. That is, if he could make it up the stairs without giving himself another concussion (was that even possible? Dan didn’t know. All he knew is that he wanted to be back in the apartment). Dan shuffled his feet. “Hey.” Phil said from behind him. “Hey.” Dan said. Phil had his arms full. His duvet, a few books, a mega sized box of Maltesers, and his little lion.

            Dan felt a rush of affection for Phil for staying with him while he was unconscious, even if unconscious him didn’t actually know it was happening. Phil was truly his best friend. To spend so many nights on a shitty hospital bed and living off shitty hospital food, well, Dan appreciated it immensely. Dan also appreciated the mega sized box of Maltesers that Phil had gotten him. Another reason to want to be back into the apartment, and yet, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Every cell of his seemed to scream _danger_!

            Phil began walking up the stairs, but paused when Dan didn’t follow. “Aren’t you going to….” Phil trailed off. Dan was chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I’ll be right back.” Phil said. He came back down the stairs within a minute, this time with empty hands. He gestured for Dan to go up the stairs first. Dan took the first step, with a death grip on the railing.

            “I’m right behind you.” Phil murmured. Dan jumped from Phil’s close proximity to his neck. Phil let out a quiet laugh. “Sorry.” Dan took another step. And another. He was half way there, and his breathing was becoming faster and faster. His doctor had mentioned that that was another possibility from his extreme flu. “Are you okay?” Phil asked. Dan shrugged.

            Phil put his hand on the small of Dan’s back, so gently that Dan wasn’t sure it was actually there. “Is this okay?” Phil whispered. Dan nodded, not trusting himself to speak clearly. They were nearly at the top and Dan’s legs were shaking. Somehow not doing any exercise whilst unconscious took a bigger toll than not doing any exercise when he was awake. “I’m right here.” Phil said. “Don’t worry about falling.”

 _Too late_ , Dan thought.

* * *

 

Hour One:

            Dan took one of his pain pills faster than any pill he’d taken in his entire life. It was past dinner time, so he and Phil settled down onto the couch to watch a movie. They turned off all of the lights and put the volume on low so that Dan’s head wouldn’t explode.

Hour Two:

            Dan had eaten a fourth of his Maltesers but they didn’t make his head feel any better. He really wasn’t supposed to be watching TV while newly concussed but when Dan was alone with his thoughts he usually began thinking about the inevitability of death and then somehow ended up lying of the floor of the hallway. He’d much rather watch TV. Dan took a second pill, hoping it would actually do something.

Hour Three:

            Dan’s headache was somehow worse than before he’d taken any pills. He wasn’t even watching the TV anymore, he’d buried his face into the couch. Maybe his extreme height caused it to take long to work? Dan sighed and took his third and final pill allotted for that day.

* * *

 

Phil switched the TV off.

            It was barely nine o’clock. He and Dan were sharing a blanket, making Phil very aware of where their legs were touching each other. Usually Dan would take to browsing on his lap top but tonight he’d buried his head into the couch instead. “Dan? Are you awake?” Phil asked. “Yeah.” His reply was muffled. “Can I ask you something?” Phil said. Dan hummed.

            Phil had been waiting for a quiet moment to ask the question that had been nagging at the back of his head. There were times where making eye contact with Dan could be a little intense. Something about the smooth brown color and how they were always alight with _something_ made Phil lose his train of thought and just want to stare at them forever. It was easier to talk in the dark.  “What’s the last thing that you remember? Before you woke up today? It’s okay if you don’t want to say anything.”

            Dan picked his head up and looked at Phil. He thought about it for a moment. “I think… I remember the sky. The stars. My back was cold...we were on the roof?” Dan asked. Phil sighed in relief. Some horrible voice in his brain had him thinking that maybe Dan forgot all the time that he’d spent with Phil, but that was silly; Dan had recognized him immediately upon waking up. “Yeah.” Phil said. “We were on the roof.”

            So Dan only lost a week of his memories. Two weeks if he counted when he was unconscious but you couldn’t really make memories when you were out cold. Phil half wished that he could get rid of his own memories the week that Dan was out.

            It was a half wish because he got to hold Dan’s hand that week, any time he wanted. He also read to Dan. He read Winnie the Pooh, the newspaper, and he even read some of The Amazing Book is Not on Fire. He got a little teary-eyed when reading all of the parts Dan had written. Really he was teary-eyed the entire week since Dan wasn’t okay. He tried not to (he heard somewhere that you shouldn’t cry in a sick persons room because it brings bad vibes) but it was just so hard. He cared about Dan so, so much.

            “I remember seeing your eyes.” Dan reached out and brushed Phil’s eyelashes. Phil froze. “They looked like they had galaxies in them. Isn’t that funny? People make galaxy sweat shirts but they can’t make galaxy eyes.” Dan giggled and layed his head on Phil’s shoulders. Phil gently lifted Dan’s head up and sat up straight, facing Dan.  

            His pupils looked gigantic and he seemed to be having trouble focusing on anything. Phil reached out and felt his forehead. It was burning up. Seems he wasn’t over the fever part of his flu yet, and judging by the fact that Dan had just giggled, his meds had kicked in too. _This should be an interesting,_ Phil thought.

            Dan grabbed Phil’s hand off of his forehead and began playing with his fingers. “Er- Dan?” “I liked it when you held my hand, Phil.” Dan said. Phil’s eyes widened. Dan continued playing with his fingers, tapping along his knuckles and rubbing his nails. “You’re being silly, Dan.” Phil said, blushing. Dan looked up at Phil.

            “You’re cheeks are red.” Dan commented, freeing one of his hands that had been messing with Phil’s and poked him in the cheek. Phil blushed even more. Dan laced his fingers through Phil’s, humming idly. Phil’s muscles felt locked. He wasn’t sure what to do. Should he pull his hand back? Surely if Dan was in the right state of mind he wouldn’t be doing this; it was just the drugs messing with his head.

            Phil settled with letting Dan do as he wanted. He didn’t want to upset him, and Phil remembered seeing that one of the side effects of Dan’s meds was drowsiness so he’d probably fall asleep soon anyway.

            “You want to play the one word story game?” Phil asked. “Once.” Dan said as an answer.

“Upon.”

“A.”

“Time.”

“There.”

“Were.”

“Two.”

“Boys.”

“Named.”

“Dan.”

“And.”

“Ricky Blitz.”

“Phil!”

“Okay, okay. Fine. Dan and _Phil_.”

“They.”

“Liked.”

“To.”

“Eat.”

“Maltesers!”

“And.”

“Maltesers!”

“And.”

“Phil!”

“What?”

            Dan’s eyes were focused on something behind Phil. “What. The. _Fuck_.” Dan said, his happy-go-lucky mood going down hill fast. Phil turned. “What is it?” He asked. “Your plant! It’s dead. What the _fuck._ ” Dan said, eye brows scrunching together. “It’s okay.” Phil soothed. “It’s just a plant. I can get another one.”

            Dan shook his head. “That’s not the point.” Dan said. “You’re plant died. Why did you stay with me and let your plant die?” Dan asked. Phil laughed. “What?” Dan asked, sounding defensive. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just- you’re more important than a plant, Dan.”

            Dan seemed unconvinced. “What about your cactus? The one from….” Dan trailed off. “Guatemala?” Phil asked. Dan nodded. “Even the cactus, Dan.” Phil said. Dan’s thought process when he was on drugs was… well, it was something.

            Dan still seemed moody. “Dan, for you I’d do anything. Even let my house plants die.” Phil said. Dan smiled just enough that his dimples could be seen. “Me too. Me too. Me too.” Dan said. “I would…” Dan glanced around the room. “I would give up Maltesers for you.” He said, his eyes landing on the box.

            “No way.” Phil said. “Yes way.” Dan said. Phil laughed at Dan’s offended expression. Dan cuddled up against Phil. “Yes way.” He said again. Phil smiled. Loopy Dan was so… affectionate. Phil almost wanted to go lock himself in his room. Dan’s behavior was making him think about his want for a romantic relationship with him.

            And then he started thinking about what would happen once Phil told Dan how he really felt. He started thinking of what could go wrong. Phil shifted a little. He had to get up, get away from Dan. It was almost cruel, hanging out with Dan when he was like this. Phil didn’t want it if Dan didn’t really mean it. And he didn’t. He was on drugs, for goodness sake.

            Dan made an annoyed sound, and put more of his weight on Phil so that he couldn’t get up. Phil took a deep breathe, calming himself. “Time for bed now, yeah?” Phil said to Dan. Dan seemed to consider this for a moment. “I do miss my bed.” Dan said wistfully. “And my hair straightener.” He added.

            Phil laughed. He couldn’t say he agreed with that last statement. Dan looked so cute with his curls, especially when he was so smiley like this. He had such a pretty smile, and dimples, and face, and…. _This is exactly why you need to get away from him before you do something stupid,_ Phil chided himself. He could barely be trusted around Dan with straight hair and a level head.

            He stood up, and held out his hands for Dan. Dan took them and swayed on his feet once he was up. Phil grabbed his arms and led him to his room. Dan jumped onto his bed, making sounds of glee. “Phil.” Dan said. He patted the space next to him on the bed. Phil flicked off Dan’s lights, leaving only the fairy lights. “I have to tell you something. It’s important.” Dan’s face seemed sincere. The corner of Phil’s mouth went up.

            “What is it? I’m only staying for a minute.” Phil warned. Dan put his hands on Phil’s knees. “You’re fit as _fuck.”_ Dan said. Phil’s eyed widened. “W-what?” Phil stuttered. “You’re very attractive.” Dan said. “But don’t worry. That’s not the only reason I like you.” Dan’s expression was completely serious. _Abort! Abort!_ Phil’s brain screamed. Phil ignored it.

            “You like me?” Phil asked, his voice soft. “Well, no.” Dan said. “I love you.” Dan said, blushing. “I love you, Phil Lester.” Dan said, this time with more affirmation. Phil’s brain was into overdrive. He had the strangest feeling like he was dreaming or that this was some sort of a prank. But how could that be possible? _It can’t_ his brain said.

            Dan suddenly yanked Phil down on his bed. Phil yelped. “Sleep in my room, yeah?” Dan said. “I like being next to you.” He added. Dan pulled his duvet over both of them, wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist, and tangled his legs with Phil’s. Dan looked up at him. Well, more like he looked at his _lips._ Dan bit his own lips. “Fuck it.” Dan said. “Wha-“

Phil didn’t have time to protest as Dan leaned up and kissed him.

            He pulled away just as quick and layed his head against Phil’s chest. Dan yawned. “Tired now.” He stated. “Love you, Phil.” Dan’s breathing evened out within the minute and he was out. Phil touched his lips, and looked down at Dan’s figure. They fit together perfectly.

 “I-I love you too, Dan.” Phil said, brushing his fingers over Dan’s head.

He tried not to think about what would happen in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN/I am absolutely in love with this chapter oh my god. Honestly I should just write variation after variation of this chapter because it’s so fun to write. If you enjoyed it please comment! Also feel free to comment any prompts or requests or aus because if I think it’s cute I’ll probably write it. Thanks again for reading. One more chapter I think. You know, all that fun aftermath and stuff.


	5. Did You Ever Doubt Your Dream Will Ever Come True?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dan and Phil finally admit what they've known since the beginning.

When Dan first woke up, he wasn’t alarmed.

            He was in his room, he was in his bed, and he was cuddling with Phil.

Wait, he was doing _what_ with Phil?

            He closed his eyes and flicked himself in the face. When he opened them nothing had changed. His head was on Phil’s chest. His left arm was tucked around Phil’s waist. Their legs were tangled together. Phil’s right arm was around his shoulder. It was somehow the most and least comfortable Dan had ever been in his life.

            He wiggled the fingers on his free hand, still in disbelief that this was real. His eyes darted around the room as he tried to remember what had happened the night before. Dan looked up at Phil. He was still asleep, like a normal person would be at this time. From what Dan could tell, it was quite late out. There was no light sneaking through his curtains. Dan’s fairy lights were the only source of light in his room, making even Phil’s normally pale skin look golden.

            Surely Dan had seen Phil sleep before but he couldn’t remember being so mesmerized by the sight. Phil’s  hair was strewn across his forehead haphazardly. His breathing was steady and even. His eyelashes were dark, and very long. Dan almost wanted to reach out and touch them.

Everything that had happened the night before came rushing back.

_Oh,_ Dan thought _. Oh my_ fucking _God_.

            Phil shifted a little and mumbled something in his sleep. He tugged Dan closer to him. Shit, did he say that out loud?

            Dan remembered touching Phil’s eyelashes. He remembered holding Phil’s hand. He remembered pulling Phil into his bed.

Dan touched his lips.

He remembered kissing Phil.

He remembered saying _I love you_ to Phil.

He remembered Phil saying it back (but surely only in the platonic sense of the words).

He remembered doing everything he thought he could never do with Phil, _with Phil._

            Dan didn’t know what to do. For a moment he considered pretending he didn’t remember. Phil would never suspect. He would just assume the drugs did that to him or that his concussion was still fucking with his memories. Dan trashed the idea just as soon as he thought of it. It was just wrong and manipulative to Phil. He couldn’t run away from this any longer. He had loved Phil since 2009. It was about time he stopped being a wuss and admitted it.

Well, admit it when he wasn’t on drugs.

~

When Phil first woke up, he was confused.

            Where was all of his stuff? Was he dreaming? Why was his duvet black and white?

_Oh_ , Phil thought, remembering the night before. _Oh God._

Right then, the only question that he cared to be answered was _where was Dan?_

            Dan must have gotten up before him; Phil was a very hard sleeper. He didn’t know whether or not to be worried. Usually Dan got up way after twelve, but the fact that he got up surely meant he was feeling better? He sat up and smoothed down his hair, then stood up. There was no use putting off interacting with Dan. It had to happen eventually.

            He walked out to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. He checked the time on his phone.

And saw that he had a missed call from Dan.

And a voice mail.

Phil’s fingers fumbled at the keys. He messed up his password three times before finally getting in. He took a deep breath, and clicked on the voice mail.

            “Hello Phil Lester.” Dan paused. “Shit. Sorry. That seemed too formal. I wanted-I want to say that last night I was under the influence of an inhumane amount of drugs and I acted like an actual crazy person.” Phil’s hopes crashed.

            “However,” Dan said. Phil’s hopes picked themselves back up. “Everything that I said to you, no matter how crazy or-or weird. All of it was true.” Phil sat down in a dining chair, not trusting himself to stand.

            Dan muttered something that sounded like ‘I thought this would be easier if it wasn’t to your face’ and then his voice came through clearer. “Phil, I’ve loved you since the day that we met. If I’m being completely honest I think I loved you before we even met-physically. You’ve made… You _make_ me so much happier than I ever dreamed I could be.”

“You’re amazing, Phil.” Dan said, his voice sounding soft.

            Dan cleared his throat. “That’s all I have to say. I’m sorry if I’ve made things weird between us and I understand i-if you want me to move out. I’ll be in the gaming roof, if you want to…talk.” He heard Dan breathe out before the voicemail cut off.

Phil set his phone down on the table and made his way to the gaming room.

~

Dan jumped as Phil opened the door.

“Hey.” Phil said.

“Hey.” Dan said.

They stared at each other.

The silence grew between them.

Phil broke it.

“Me too.” Phil said.

            “What?” Dan asked. “I was going to do this once you were better but things have changed… and that’s okay. I love you, Dan. I have since the beginning.” Phil sputtered. It came out fast and jumbled. “I love you.” He said again, slower this time. “I love your sense of humor and your laugh and your eyes and I love how you play the piano.” Phil said. The corner of Dan’s mouth quirked up, showing his dimples. “It was only to distract myself from you.” Dan admitted.

The small distance between them suddenly felt too much. Phil decided to close the it until their foreheads were touching. The air felt charged, almost _electric_. “Is this okay?” Phil asked. Dan nodded, eyes darting back and forth from Phil’s eyes to his lips.

“Can I kiss you?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded.

            Fireworks exploded behind Phil’s eyes as their lips met. This was different then the peck Dan had given him the night before. This was frantic and passionate and…

Dan swayed on his feet.

            Phil pulled away “Are-“ Dan kissed him again. “You okay?” Phil finished during their next breath. Dan hesitated, but then he nodded and leaned in again. Phil’s hands trailed over Dan’s back and through his hair which was still curly and incredibly cute. “I love your hair like this.” Phil murmured, running his hands over it. He settled them behind his neck and Dan didn’t even flinch.

Dan broke away, eyes bright. “Shit. Phil. This is great, you’re great but-“ Dan gripped onto Phil, knees buckling. Phil yelped and grabbed Dan’s arms, arms hauling him up.

            “I have you.” Phil soothed. He held Dan up and led him over to the couch. He set Dan down. “Still have a head ache?” Phil asked. “Yes, but I don’t want to take a pil-“ Phil gave Dan a chaste kiss before quickly grabbing his meds, some biscuits, and dropping it in front of him. Dan groaned, but took the pills nonetheless. “I’m sorry that I’m going to be acting like a crazy person within the hour.” Dan said sourly. Phil kissed him. “You don’t act like a crazy person. You’re just more cuddly.” Phil said, leaning into Dan.

            Dan leaned in too and pretty soon they were kissing again. Both of them seemed to be making up for years of pining for the other, all the gazes at the other that lasted for too long to mean nothing.

After an hour or so, Phil noticed Dan’s eyes become glassier and unfocused. “You okay?” Phil said, affectionately brushing Dan’s curls from his forehead. Dan smiled, his dimples popping out. “I’m _amazing,_ Phil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN/Wow, what a cheese ball ending. Sorry the wait for this chapter was a bit longer than the others. Also I don’t know how to write characters kissing at all oops. This is the official last chapter of this story. I hope you guys liked it! Brownie points if you noticed my p!atd quote I gave to Phil's dialogue (things have changed for me-eee and that's okay!). Comment if you enjoyed, and also feel free to add any requests for new stories. Huge thanks to everyone who left comments and kudos because they all made me so happy! This is my first phanfic ever so I was kinda nervous that it would suck. Thanks for reading, and remember: don’t cry! CRAFT!


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